It started with the best of intentions!
In high school I had somehow gotten into my head that there was something wrong with my 5’4″ ~115lb body. That it was broken, didn’t look the way it should, wasn’t good enough, wasn’t healthy, would never attract a boyfriend or friends for that matter, I’d never be happy, never have confidence, and I’d die alone – likely with dogs.
I wasn’t just going to sit there and take it, so I took action.
Being the type A person I am, I put rules in place for myself so I could look the way I saw other girls in magazines, in movies, and at school looking. Not just any girls, but thin ones, with pretty straight hair, no acne, and who radiated happiness and confidence and looked like the vision of health. I wanted THAT!
My rules over the years included things like: I could only eat a certain amount of calories a day, I avoided certain foods or types of foods (I didn’t eat anything that didn’t say “fat free” or “sugar free” on the box), I took diet pills, exercised 2 hours a day, and if I could get away with skipping meals, that was a bonus!
Looking back on those behaviors now, I can see how they are super disordered eating habits, but at the time, I didn’t think or realize it was a problem.
It was so normalized. It felt like EVERYONE was trying to lose weight, and it was “weird” if you weren’t.
And it wasn’t just about aesthetics. I remember believing that thin = healthy..&..fat = unhealthy. And to me, I was fat.
That self-diagnosis & definition of “fat” only fueled my disordered eating habits – but now under the guise of health.
This wasn’t something I made up!
Fat = unhealthy was instilled in me, like many girls from a young age, by diet culture.
We were taught that body size is an accurate indicator of health. And that if we don’t have a perfectly, culturally ideal (*thin) body, then there’s something wrong with us.
Sure at my lowest weight I was a size 0, but it came with a price.
- I wasted TONS of money over the years on special programs, detoxes, diet pills, diet foods, books, juice cleanses, magazines, you name it!
- I suffered lots of health side effects from the crazy restrictions I put myself through. I got bloated nearly daily for 5 years, had horrible fatigue/low energy, poor digestion leading to leaky gut and a ton of food sensitivities, irritability, a bad immune system getting sick often, a slowed metabolism, skin breakouts for the vast majority of my life, anxiety that got worse as years went on, super damaged self esteem and self worth, and more.
- I spend a ridiculous amount of time feeling hungry and obsessing and over-thinking about food and my body, measuring and calculating, and binge and emotional eating.
- I missing out on doing social things to not be tempted by bad foods (I was basically a hermit in my dorm room all through college), or not fully being present and enjoying myself and others I was with due to my mental mean girl chatter clouding my mind and anxiety.
- I constantly beat myself up if I ate something wrong or missed a workout which sent me into a sabotaging spiral promising myself I’d start again Monday.
- AND I was STILL super self conscious about my body, I STILL had super low self esteem/confidence, I was STILL paranoid about gaining weight, and it all made me feel hopeless, frustrated, deprived, and overwhelmed.
Does that sound healthy to you??
Healthy habits accomplish health, oftentimes independent of body size. Work on uncoupling weight and health to experience true food and body freedom to look and feel your best.
Have health be your goal, and if weight loss comes too because that’s what your body wants/needs, then cool!
Here’s a fun activity to do:
- TO DO: Make a list of things you do/would do in pursuit of thinness, then make another list of things you do and would do in pursuit of health.
- Compare the two, and see which you think will really help you live your happiest, healthiest life
For example:
When my goal was weight loss, I: skipped meals, cut calories, felt hungry all the time, exercised 2 hours/7 days a week, only ate diet (“fat-burning” / reduced-calorie or -fat or -carb) foods/shakes, took diet pills, etc.
When my goal changed to health: I gave my body plenty of nutrients through eating nutrient-dense foods, I exercised regularly but also got plenty of rest/recovery, I made sure to get 8 hrs sleep, drank plenty of water, ate *all* foods mindfully so I wouldn’t feel deprived, etc.
**I ended up gaining a little weight when my goal changed because my body needed it…but I felt better and more energized than ever before! Plenty of people I work with end up finally losing weight they had been trying to for hears through ‘weight loss approach/strategies’ when their goal changed. It really depends if your body has weight to lose.
Share your list with me below! For more information about health at every size, click here.
